Your Mid-Life Remix
If your life was a playlist what songs would “capture” each era? At middle-age you might feel like Jan Brady. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! All I ever hear is Marsha!
In a way, middle-age feels like being the middle child. We have boomer parents who are relishing retirement as they remember their lives during America’s Golden Age. On the other hand, we’ve raised entitled kids that demand instant information, gratification, and zero accountability— everything is someone else's fault.
Let’s start with Gen X. We raised ourselves because mom and dad were busy working and spending money. Since we’ve always been expected to “know better” we never got any credit for our accomplishments. Much like Jan, we get blamed for the missteps of our parents (Marsha) who enjoyed successful lives without having to go to college. We also get blamed for raising entitled children (Cindy) who got their golden spoons from our sweat equity. We are tough as nails, take no prisoners, do everything ourselves kind of people. I’ll skip all the memes about drinking from a water hose and coming home when the street lights come on, but suffice to say, it was a weird time to grow up. In the 70’s and 80’s we believed in the American Dream because our parents did. We were taught that if you work hard enough, you’ll be successful someday. I still remember my dad saying, “I don’t care what you do. Go dig ditches if you have to, just get a job!” Nevermind the fact that he fell headfirst into a lucrative sales career with an eighth grade education and no marketable skills. Mom also flourished as the lead administrator in a thriving church built on “old money.” They were rarely home, and when they were, it was “sit down and eat your dinner” time. They spent weeks travelling and living it up, Meanwhile, I was left mostly to my own devices. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t abused, nor did I go without. I enjoyed a more than comfortable middle-class life, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t a little fucked up. Well, maybe a lot really, but that’s another story.. (Read my bio here) We are also the first generation to prioritize higher education, yet we often still struggle to make ends meet.
Out of the frying pan into the fire…
And, if I may say so, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a badass too.… Guess what? If you were born between 1982-1994 you are considered (Gen Y). Being among the first wave of Millennials, you too are middle-aged! GASP. Just for the record, I think Millennials get a bum rap. Millennials often get scapegoated as the problem with society today, but are they really? Those of you born in the mid-eighties are now at or very close to 40, and I think you guys are a very industrious group too! As the 2000’s emerged, you were the ones who never knew a life without computers and wireless technology. You guys and gals grew up with the non-negotiable expectation of college or death. There was no in-between. And, as the gleam of Bootstraps America faded, you could look forward to a life tethered to a screen— a cog in the machine.
Y2K and the Matrix spelled certain dystopian doom, and although it didn’t work for your parents, you still aimed for the hallowed white picket fence. Divorce rates were off the chart, leaving most entering marriage with a dread-filled optimism. Some of you were so gun shy about marriage you tried domestic partnerships, which just ended up feeling like marriage without the free shit. So, what’s left? Facebook to the rescue. Thirty somethings found themselves floundering in a digital dating sea hoping to somehow steal their way to home base. Some of you may have thought something like, ‘Maybe reconnecting with Suzy-Q before the dreaded 20-year reunion isn’t such a bad idea? God forbid I show up ALONE. And no, I’m not just talking about a hook-up here, I mean good ole fashioned happiness. The American Dream. Feel me?
So, why the history lesson? Because 99.9% of you found The Brave Compassion because your relationships suck. And whether you want to admit it or not, life revolves around relationships, it’s unavoidable. Whether you’re facing divorce, an empty nest, or a mid-life crisis, you are most likely anxious or depressed because of relationship problems. Allow me to explain.
Divorce is obvious. Whether you’ve been married to the same partner for decades, or have had multiple relationship failures, the thought of dating, re-marrying or going it alone are all terrifying to contemplate, and each for different reasons.
The mid-life crisis can present itself in a thousand ways. Forget the balding man with a sports car cliche for a minute. Everyone, and I repeat, EVERYONE, experiences some form of mid-life crisis, but unfortunately, most go unnoticed. This is because most people don’t know what a crisis is.
Am I having a midlife crisis?
Empty-nesters, listen to me please. I will use this phenomenon to explain exactly what a mid-life crisis really is. When children leave the home, the central focus of every parent’s day-to-day existence suddenly changes! Parenting is a 24/7 365 day a year challenge, and sure, just because your kids are shipping off to college, a career, or just some really bad decisions, doesn’t mean you stop parenting, it’s more that the IMMEDIACY of being a parent is suddenly gone!
‘What will I do now? I haven’t had a meaningful conversation with my husband about anything other than the kids in years!’ If you suddenly realize you’re married to a stranger you are not alone. Or, if you’re a single parent who’s suddenly wondering, ‘What the hell do I do with free time?’ You are in good company. Although it may look a little different for everyone, all midlife crises are universally the same. The midlife crisis is a crisis of meaning.
Middle-Age: The Ultimate ‘In-Between’
Okay Jan, being the middle child means that you face a unique set of challenges. At this stage in your life, you may not know exactly what you want, but you damn sure know what you don’t want, so how about we start there? Famous psychoanalyst Erik Erikson defines a crisis as an existential challenge that people experience several times throughout their lives, not just at mid-life. From about 18 months of age until death, the average person faces a significant existential crisis every 4-10 years (minimum) whether they realize it or not. This brings me to the reason for this website and my life’s work; the problem of human resistance. Let me explain.
What I resist, persists…
Even if you consider yourself quite adventurous, from a bio-evolutionary standpoint, your brain is hardwired to resist change. Think about that for just a moment. What aspects of your life experiences have you been the most resistant toward? They have all involved some sort of change. Accepting your age? (change). Being alone (change), starting a new career (change), truly loving yourself (self-acceptance = change). It can be anything really, but trust me, if there is one thing that is universally true about all people it's that we are all resisting SOME form of change in life. And what’s more, it's almost never rational. Regardless of what “it” is, the most important first step of beginning a journey toward peace and personal wellness means identifying areas of psychological and emotional resistance within you. This is what (The Brave Compassion Method) is all about.
What I’m aware of, I can take care of…
Self-awareness is a superpower. If it were a drug, it would have zero negative side effects, you could always get it, and its effects would just get better over time. Self-awareness is my drug of choice today, but that wasn’t always the case. I have struggled through a multitude of blind spots and painful experiences just as you have, but what I’ve come to understand is that the “suffering” was driven by subconscious and unconscious resistance, and for most of my life, the lessons were always learned in hindsight.
Discernement is when
you don’t have to reach the end of a lesson
to LEARN it.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. If you are truly committed to this process, it becomes unreasonable for the goal not to happen. Join me on the journey inward! As you learn how to plumb the depths of being, I will take you through the 5 Steps of Inner Awakening to unlock the fountain of youth lying dormant within. By developing radical self-honesty you will discover the POWER found in letting go. You don’t have to earn your chair at the table of humanity, only to accept your rightful place at the banquet of life’s fullness. Self-awareness is not won by pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. It is discovered by letting go of the need to work for what you already possess. If you’ve dug this deep into my website, I encourage you to use your magic wand. The magic wand questions go like this:
“If I could wave a magic wand and abracadabra my perfect life right now, what would that look like?
What would I be doing?
Where would I be doing it?
Who would I be doing it with?
Don’t hold back. Don’t play it safe. Don’t think small. Dream BIG. Remember, this is make believe, so don’t let “rational” thinking hold you back! No matter how insane your answers may sound, inside of them are seeds that can grow into your DREAM life now!
FINAL WORDS
I have built tools into my self-paced programs that will help you get to the bottom of things right now, and my programs do not require hours and hours of exhaustive therapy. The programs include video instructions from me and simple, self-diagnostic worksheets to guide you the entire way. My method stimulates all three learning pathways: auditory, visual and tactile (written). If you want to go deeper, you are welcome to apply for individualized counseling sessions with me. But I suggest trying a self-paced course first to see if you really need that level of help. As a society we’ve been brainwashed by the medical community to believe that any psychological struggle requires popping pills and sharing your entire life story. What’s more realistic and more often true is that you simply need to identify what basic needs aren’t fully realized in your life. Once you know what’s keeping you stuck, you can take ACTION to get unstuck! Sounds too good to be true? Well, all I have to say to that is, you don’t have to BELIEVE everything you think.
